Riding My Flame

Riding my flame
I tried to get close
to something with meaning
I ended up far from everything
that was most important to me
Now that she’s gone I’ve weakened
the enemy draws against
my walls of solitude
the dark waters rise
and soon the flood will come
if I am not rescued
I’ve become so much more angry
I hated being judged before
by my worst moments
Once a few weeks after we married
Another time in front of her whole family
were perhaps the worst
I let a spirit get on me
and my mouth, my voice rolled with it
To this day I feel nothing but
shame and embarrassment
for those moments
Redemption is the only way
I will ever stop feeling the guilt
But my emotional state
is pressured, overwhelmed
My spirit is naked and vulnerable
For a time I was mellowed out
from missing my girls, heavy
with regret and still prayerful
Now I just grow impatient
easily frustrated
The words I use in hatred
are not who I am …
Please Lord forgive me
I need an outlet, a way
to let loose
Doesn’t need to be aggressive
doesn’t need to be anger
I crave love, intimacy, touch
Tho, only from one
Only from her …
To be with anyone else
would only be a distraction
a way to burn energy
I do not know what
it would take for me to love
another ever again
Megs was my dream,
my life long desire
And no matter what role
the devil played or any of
her dysfunctional friends
No matter what anybody says
I failed to protect my wife,
our daughter and myself
from those influences
I failed to be her husband
and all I ever obsess over
is a new chance to be
the man she prayed for
The man God gave her
And to be worthy, deserving
of Gods greatest gifts to me.
Megan and Cassidy
My wife and daughter …